Not Another Fat Mom

Bought some cute outfits for running. Kind of dumb for now cuz I run on my treadmill in my own home! But, it makes me feel cute, and everything is more fun when you feel cute! ;)

I get a notice in my email any time someone tags a picture of my on facebook. It sends me into a panic. I hate that I’m that person who demands all pictures of me be taken down unless I approve them. But, yeah. I’m totally that person. I can’t wait til I’m a healthy weight and I don’t care what people might be thinking about me… 

I will get there. I will. I will.

Thank god. I don’t think I would have handled another 168. It’s still 1.5 up from a few days ago (Too much salt??? Impending week of doom? I guess that would explain my emotions about it too…) but it’s in the right direction.

Today I won’t be able to sit still even if I want to, so this will be good. Even though I run almost every day, the rest of the day is pretty inactive. I need to change that. Warmer weather will make it easier to get outside with the offspring. Today’s a gorgeous day, so we’re going to the Zoo!

Anyway, trying to be positive today. I shouldn’t weigh myself until next week. But it’s so hard to not step on when it’s sitting there every morning!

I wish my feelings weren’t so attached to my weight. Scale says 168. I thought I’d been doing so well. I’m so unhappy with myself, I feel sick. Literally sick to my stomach.

Tomorrow is another day…

I know my tendancy to become self-absorbed, especially when I have a personal goal. I don’t so much become obsessed with my own success as I become obsessed with my own failures. But either way, I have seen time and time again how dangerous this can be to my relationships. 

So, I’m making a conscious effort to NOT obsess over my own wants and needs, especially in regards to weight loss. I’m trying hard to find a balance between doing what I need to do for myself and not ignoring the needs of my family and friends and even strangers. I don’t want to be a “skinny bitch.” People won’t come to my funeral and talk about how thin I was. My family and friends won’t forgive my bitchiness in light of how awesome I look in shorts. I don’t want to be a skinny bitch, I want a healthy body and healthy relationships. I want to love others more than I love myself. 

This is an unpopular opinion in a world where everyone will tell you to put yourself first. But if we all put ourselves first, where does that leave the world? If your quest for “thin” is turning you into a bitch, you’re not bettering yourself. You’re actually making your heart and the world around you an uglier place. Let’s not do that.

So yesterday I was reminded how EASY it would be to totally fail. I ate “normally”, as I would have a few weeks ago. After appetizers, dinner, drinks, and dessert, I ended up being 700 calories over my goal for the day! Holy crap. But, that’s ok. I promised myself that I wouldn’t be discouraged with minor setbacks. I will get there. So, today is a new day! Back on track with a healthy breakfast and the treadmill calling my name…

Thank God this isn’t true for me. My life was awful when I was six. Back then, I didn’t have a choice but to go along with whatever my family gave me. I was scared and lonely when I was six. My childhood sucked, which has sadly shaped who I am today. But today, as an adult, I do have the power to change my circumstances. I don’t have to be scared and lonely, subjected to someone else’s plans for my life. I’m going to take full advantage of that!